As I peruse aisle upon endless aisle of toys in my favorite stores, shopping for that perfect present for the little angels in my life, I have come across an alarming discovery: Elmos as far as the eye can see, Elmos that walk, Elmos that talk; Elmos that dance, Elmos that prance; Elmos that giggle, Elmos that wiggle, and oh-my-fucking-gawd Elmos that sparkle and sing…loudly and badly. I have to scratch my head and wonder, why in the world do we have all these Elmos? Where’s Grover and Oscar and Cookie Monster and Beeker and Harold? The marketing people claim that it’s because Elmo’s the most popular toy and they’re in such high demand. Ha! I say. I’ve got my own theory.
The reason we’re being so inundated with Elmos is because all of the other muppets have vanished! Yes, my friends, muppets are on the verge of extinction. You wanna know why?
So, I encourage, no, I implore you to put the novelty yarn down and slowly back away. Release the inner yarn purist by embracing the wool. You want fuzzy yarn? Try mohair or brushed alpaca. You want textured yarn? Try boucle or wool tweed. You want fun? Try variegated yarn, CSI or color working fair isle. You want easy care? Try superwash or hell, there are even some passable ACK!rylics out there. Whatever you do just say no to fun fur and eyelash yarn.
Help preserve the muppets for future generations. Yoink this button and take up the fight!
ETA The creator of this wonderful button has stepped forward: Felicia from Isis Rising. Pop on over and giver her props!
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of public service announcements, I’d like to point out that BLOG is NOT spelled C-O-L-U-M-N.
Thank you. This has been a public service announcement. We now return you to our regularly scheduled blog.
[cue annoying legal disclaimer announcer voice-over voice]
(The writer of this post is a complete and utter dumbass, else she would have remembered who she got that button from and linked them. If you’re the originator of this button, please let her know so that she can edit this post to include a link to you.)